me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
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feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”