Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
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Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.