this person knows how to have fun

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For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.


[god creating snakes]

how about a sock that’s angry all the time




Can I have the definition, please?




Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy


Executioner: final words?
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.


[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door


me: kentucky basketball’s logo looks like two birds having sex

911: sir this line is for emergen- wait what

me: yah turn it sideways

911: …holy shit


“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.


Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”


The main reason I tell my daughter that beauty is on the inside is because I’m in charge of her ponytail in the mornings.