For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
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[god creating snakes]
how about a sock that’s angry all the time
Can I have the definition, please?
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Executioner: final words?
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
me: kentucky basketball’s logo looks like two birds having sex
911: sir this line is for emergen- wait what
me: yah turn it sideways
911: …holy shit
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
The main reason I tell my daughter that beauty is on the inside is because I’m in charge of her ponytail in the mornings.