Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
You Might Also Like
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Inside you there are two wolves
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long