Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
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Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Yes my dude
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.