[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
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If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
These dogs look like they have good credit.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study