[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
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If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.