[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
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Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
I feel seen.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*