Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
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I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Donkey Kong sommelier
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.