“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
You Might Also Like
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.