when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
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WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*
“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
I hate when my MacBook starts breathing heavy. I didn’t pay three grand for a vacuum
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
*First day in group therapy*
Counselor: Dave, do you have anything to share?
Me: *puts Doritos back under chair*
No, no I do not.