Yeah I pee in the shower, but not while I’m in it
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
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Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
“What’s a good gift for someone who has everything?”
Meth. Next year they’ll have nothing it’ll be easier.
Life of a Uni student
1. You wake up?You ask yourself why you woke up
2. You go to lecture you start writing then the lecturer changes the slide then you stop writing and you start online shopping or playing games
3. You go home and wonder why you even went it.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
SCIENCE FACT: if you took all of the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.