@Crunch11b

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.

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@Bob_Janke

when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there

@Brampersandon_

WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff

@TheRolo

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

@Social_Mime

Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

@TheToddWilliams

EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed

TRUMP: What op-ed?

EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?

@westindianpapi

I hate when my MacBook starts breathing heavy. I didn’t pay three grand for a vacuum

@tastefactory

GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.

@joejwest

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

@nbadag

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN

@BlueOnBlack72

*First day in group therapy*

Counselor: Dave, do you have anything to share?

Me: *puts Doritos back under chair*

No, no I do not.