@Crunch11b

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.

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@shut_uup

Yeah I pee in the shower, but not while I’m in it

@smithsara79

Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful

Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!

Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense

@OutrageousM

“What’s a good gift for someone who has everything?”

Meth. Next year they’ll have nothing it’ll be easier.

@tmulannn

Life of a Uni student
1. You wake up?You ask yourself why you woke up
2. You go to lecture you start writing then the lecturer changes the slide then you stop writing and you start online shopping or playing games
3. You go home and wonder why you even went it.

@danadonly

convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.

@yaboybillnye

SCIENCE FACT: if you took all of the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.

@daemonic3

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

@rhysjamesy

The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.

@fillthevacuum

Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.