“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
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Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal