“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
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*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Going to church you guys need anything
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors