@Sickayduh

This poster that says “Green Day: Sold Out” is right in two ways

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@CantWaitToNap

I only order the essentials from Amazon.

*Opens new HD Special Ops Vision Glasses*

@RVGisFUNNY

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

@briangaar

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

@jwoodham

Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.

@susie_qsie

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

@tealbluejay

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

@WilliamAder

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

@KandyKoehn

me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!

@TitansHomer

Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.