Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
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When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
The glory of fall.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
are they though??
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.