We’ve all been there
You Might Also Like
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I鈥檓 rattled.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I鈥m鈥鈥egan”
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 馃槑
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
How do you ask a friend if she鈥檚 a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that鈥檚 for sure a third eyelid.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
My what?
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
fianc茅: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fianc茅: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i鈥檓 gonna murder you
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Yo. I spit out my drink 馃槀
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Me: it鈥檚 better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you鈥檙e only two! what does that mean?
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn鈥檛 even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it鈥檚 discussing.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.