This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
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This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus