Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
You Might Also Like
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second