This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
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Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Snapes on a plane.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.