My grandma has been lying to me for years. A watched pot really does boil. Moral of the story, trust no one.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
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hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.