@EvanSilliams

This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter

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@MountainDouche

My grandma has been lying to me for years. A watched pot really does boil. Moral of the story, trust no one.

@jjhartinger

hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.

@AndrewNadeau0

FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.

@OneFunnyMummy

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

@david8hughes

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

@daemonic3

MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!

@junejuly12

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.

@everywhereist

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

@BoredomDidIt

Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.