@EvanSilliams

This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter

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@Reverend_Scott

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

@DrewCoffman

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

@nPhelendriqal

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

@Neauxpe

A bunch of black dudes were standing in front of my gardening equipment.

Bros before hoes.

@Home_Halfway

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

@illuminatedwndr

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

@TheWeirdWorld

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

@PeaceInTruth1

*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*

@pyaaristochill

imagine a crime show where an auntie accidentally solves crimes because she is so nosy

@mrjohndarby

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks