This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
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Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode