@thedadvocate01

This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”

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@smithsara79

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

@GaryJanetti

Rio declares state of emergency just before Olympics. That’s like inviting people to your house for dinner but you have no food. Or house.

@just1fool

The trick to a good AVI is finding your best characteristic and flaunting it. I obviously am a fan of my nostrils.

@Swoosh61

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

@brianbowman73

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

@hippieswordfish

boy they weren’t kidding about cigarettes being addictive; I can’t stop eating these things!!

@msjadelaine

Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues

@FeverFlave

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

@NewDadNotes

Mugger: [pulls knife] gimme your wallet

Me: You picked the WRONG DAY to rob me Pal. I get paid Fri at midnight you should try again then