Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
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date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Rio declares state of emergency just before Olympics. That’s like inviting people to your house for dinner but you have no food. Or house.
The trick to a good AVI is finding your best characteristic and flaunting it. I obviously am a fan of my nostrils.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
boy they weren’t kidding about cigarettes being addictive; I can’t stop eating these things!!
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Mugger: [pulls knife] gimme your wallet
Me: You picked the WRONG DAY to rob me Pal. I get paid Fri at midnight you should try again then