This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”

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Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water


Rio declares state of emergency just before Olympics. That’s like inviting people to your house for dinner but you have no food. Or house.


The trick to a good AVI is finding your best characteristic and flaunting it. I obviously am a fan of my nostrils.


*Sucks spider up in vacuum*


*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*


*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.


boy they weren’t kidding about cigarettes being addictive; I can’t stop eating these things!!


Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues


My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.


Mugger: [pulls knife] gimme your wallet

Me: You picked the WRONG DAY to rob me Pal. I get paid Fri at midnight you should try again then