“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
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Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.