@bornmiserable

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.

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@DevilryFun

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

@seandunn76

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

@ashdal2012

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?

@sixfootcandy

Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?

@electrolemon

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

@Lemonidas42

Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”

@alldrolledup

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

@prufrockluvsong

I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?

@BrosConfessions

“As a student the most comforting words you’ll ever hear are ” I haven’t started either”