@OhNoSheTwitnt

This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.

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@BoomBoomBetty

Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.

@tastefactory

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT

@HashtagAbdul

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

@SaltyCorpse

I have a new phone charger but I also have a teenage daughter which means I somehow have an old charger and she has a new one.

@Steelers1972

If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.

@AskinWayne

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

@RhinoUR

I’m Godzilla’s gift to women!!!
*walks around toy store
destroying doll houses*

@slennonhugs

I’m a simple man *bites a pinecone* I enjoy simple things *tosses a gun into a lake* that’s why I decided to let these bees live in my skull