Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
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Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
I have a new phone charger but I also have a teenage daughter which means I somehow have an old charger and she has a new one.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
I try to get all my news from FB
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I’m Godzilla’s gift to women!!!
*walks around toy store
destroying doll houses*
I’m a simple man *bites a pinecone* I enjoy simple things *tosses a gun into a lake* that’s why I decided to let these bees live in my skull