@HatfieldAnne

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

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@Shock_Monster

Frozen pizza recalled?

The government appears to have changed tactics to combat drug users:

Legalize pot, but take away their food.

@ifuseekamynow

7: mommy can I play on your computer?
Me: later
7: what do you mean by later?
Me: I’m hoping you forget.

@SteveMartinToGo

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.

@Skoog

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no

@meganamram

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

@TheCiscoKidder

I caught my son wiping his boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

@DurtMcHurtt

This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.

@IslandsJunk

Win a Canadian marathon by putting a door just before the finish line and having them all wait for you to go through first.