@HatfieldAnne

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

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@Kulpie

Is pregnancy genetic cause my mom was pregnant and so was my grandma and I’m worried

@SondraDeeMe

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

@xLiserx

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.

@jonnysun

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

@cbdoubleu

Who called it a birth certificate instead of a born identity?

@AnkCoupleTO

[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*

@Coolisiana

(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*

@AmishPornStar1

My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…

‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.