@theyearofelan

This reminds me of the time I fired my mother when she was investigating the case of “who ate all the cookies?”

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@EyalAlony

Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?

Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.

Hostess:

Me: Write it down.

@DomBorrett

Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’

Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’

Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’

@Scorpio1080

The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever

@inthefade

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex

@JohnLyonTweets

*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*

Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.

@SnarkyMommy78

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

@daddydoubts

Me: ready to visit grandma?

Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?

Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

@iwearaonesie

*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*

@murrman5

[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”

@toriTBC

When a guy texts “your beautiful,” reply with “my beautiful what?” then laugh and laugh and never talk to that nice idiot again.