@theyearofelan

This reminds me of the time I fired my mother when she was investigating the case of “who ate all the cookies?”

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@Jandalize

Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.

@goldengateblond

HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!

@jakob_huber

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*

@panmidwest

Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!

Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”

@OtherDanOBrien

[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.

@Vodkantots

If a guy doesn’t return your texts for 4 months, it might be over.

It probably isn’t, but it might be.

@PearlsFromMyrna

I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.

@polychromatik

Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!