Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
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Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Make new friends? bro out of what?
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
A double negative is a big no-no.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.