This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
You Might Also Like
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken