@steeve_again
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
@AngelaEhh
This running bra is the best thing invented, they didn’t say I’d have to transform into gumby to get the damn thing off though.
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@steeve_again
@bobvulfov
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
@FrazzleMyGimp
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
@ThaJawn
To whoever hacked all the Yahoo accounts, please email me my Myspace login info. It’s in there somewhere…
@zachreinert03
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
@FreddyAmazin
3 horrible things in life: 1) Seeing your mom cry. 2) Seeing the love of your life fall in love with somebody else. 3) Slow Internet.
@onion_an
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
@TheToddWilliams
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
@Whateverfitsme
Not sure if my cooking skills have improved or taste buds have adapted.
@senderblock23
John Lennon: Imagine all the people
Me: Ok but this is extremely boring