Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
This running bra is the best thing invented, they didn’t say I’d have to transform into gumby to get the damn thing off though.
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it’s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD… a pretty huge d-
her: Don’t say it, im leaving
me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn’t like dolphins
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Pavlov: the dogs salivate when I ring a bell
Me: weird. Why?
Pavlov: they connect two unrelated events due to repeated conditioning
Me: haha stupid animals
Pavlov: the experiment took 69 days