@AngelaEhh

This running bra is the best thing invented, they didn’t say I’d have to transform into gumby to get the damn thing off though.

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@steeve_again

Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?

@bobvulfov

FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom

@FrazzleMyGimp

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?

@ThaJawn

To whoever hacked all the Yahoo accounts, please email me my Myspace login info. It’s in there somewhere…

@zachreinert03

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

@FreddyAmazin

3 horrible things in life: 1) Seeing your mom cry. 2) Seeing the love of your life fall in love with somebody else. 3) Slow Internet.

@onion_an

[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]

Date: What’s your favourite meal?

Me: Poop

Date: What?

Me: SOUP, I like eating soup

@TheToddWilliams

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

@senderblock23

John Lennon: Imagine all the people
Me: Ok but this is extremely boring