@freypalm [comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
@AngelaEhh This running bra is the best thing invented, they didn’t say I’d have to transform into gumby to get the damn thing off though.
You Might Also Like
@freypalm 
@bugbucket it’s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager
@seamussaid being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
@nevernicethings Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
@kwirkyKerri Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
@GreenishDuck Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
@HomeProbably What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
@coryrichardson_ me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD… a pretty huge d-
her: Don’t say it, im leaving
[later]
me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn’t like dolphins
@iwearaonesie [McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
@vaginadental Pavlov: the dogs salivate when I ring a bell
Me: weird. Why?
Pavlov: they connect two unrelated events due to repeated conditioning
Me: haha stupid animals
Pavlov: the experiment took 69 days
Me: nice