@AngelaEhh

This running bra is the best thing invented, they didn’t say I’d have to transform into gumby to get the damn thing off though.

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@freypalm

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*

@bugbucket

it’s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager

@seamussaid

being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system

@nevernicethings

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

@GreenishDuck

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*

@HomeProbably

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

@coryrichardson_

me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD… a pretty huge d-

her: Don’t say it, im leaving

[later]

me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn’t like dolphins

@iwearaonesie

[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS

@vaginadental

Pavlov: the dogs salivate when I ring a bell

Me: weird. Why?

Pavlov: they connect two unrelated events due to repeated conditioning

Me: haha stupid animals

Pavlov: the experiment took 69 days

Me: nice