“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
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ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water