This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
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Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
ouch
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
And that about sums it up.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.