This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 馃檨
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[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don鈥檛 you get like 2000 just for waking up?
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
It鈥檚 mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it鈥檚 not poisoned.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it鈥檚 a bad thing
Raisins are grape jerky.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I鈥檓 gonna need you to try.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn鈥檛 know where my mouth was.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Worst perfume name ever.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same