@_Ms_Moneypenny_

This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*

– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁

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@just1fool

I’d like to thank the spider that descended from the bill of my baseball cap for getting me motivated today.

@SaraMansford

{Kid’s bday party}

Me: Where’s the cake?

Mom of kid: We don’t believe in sugar.

Me: I promise it’s real. I’ve seen it with my own eyes.

@Darlainky

A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.

@ADDiane

I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.

@SortaBad

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

@jwoodham

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

@Barknado69

“You should’ve seen the other guy” I say as I lay in the hospital with 2 broken legs and a black eye. “He was so much better at fighting”