My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
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Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
…żyje?
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
your honor my client chooses dare
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔