“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
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why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon