This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
You Might Also Like
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk