This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
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Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape