“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
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17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Personal question. #JustSaying
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.