@LMGinTN

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

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@myles_morrison

I can tell everything I need to know about a person by how they cut their sandwich.
Diagonal = normal
Straight = serial killer
No cut = dad

@wolfpupy

[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything

@ThisOneSayz

*picks up frog*

*kisses it*

Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?

Me: oh thank god.

@stuckinaportal

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

@KylePlantEmoji

Me: I wish my toilet was sentient

Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three

@Shock_Monster

Her: I’m thinking of a number between 1 an-

Me: 69!

Her: …10.

Me:

Her:

Me: 6.9?

@SoulYodeler

Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.

@etherealraccoon

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.