I can tell everything I need to know about a person by how they cut their sandwich.
Diagonal = normal
Straight = serial killer
No cut = dad
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
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[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
*picks up frog*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in urns.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
whoa better pack an umbrella
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Her: I’m thinking of a number between 1 an-
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.