This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
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[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!