“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
You Might Also Like
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit