This sounds bad:
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Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Seas the day!!!!
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.