“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
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Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.