“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
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Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma