This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
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It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”