This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
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I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
When I pack too much for a short trip.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown