*Gets run over by chicken*
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
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You can’t prove that I’m not the center of the universe.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when
[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Me: are you married?
Me: your wife know about that?
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.