This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

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[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time


Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.


This website is free. It only costs you your mental health and you weren’t doing anything with that anyway.


It’s now socially acceptable to play Cards Against Humanity with your 8 year old.


Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?

Wedding Planner: what


“7 minutes in heaven” but just me locked in the closet with this burrito.


If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.


SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?


Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol