This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

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*Looks left*

*Looks right*

*Crosses road*

*Gets run over by chicken*


Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise


KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

M: I didn’t say when


Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?


I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.


Me: are you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?


[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.


Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.