@HomeProbably

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

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@coalslag

*Looks left*

*Looks right*

*Crosses road*

*Gets run over by chicken*

@SvnSxty

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

@AnkCoupleTO

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

@thisislizz

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

@Lisabug74

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

@Monicake0128

Me: are you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

@stephenjmolloy

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

@Writepop

Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.