This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
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[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.