This strange woman won't stop talking to me so I'm going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

*Looks left*

*Looks right*

*Crosses road*

*Gets run over by chicken*

You can’t prove that I’m not the center of the universe.

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

Me: are you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.

Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets