Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
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If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.