This stray cat on my balcony is looking at me like I’m invading its privacy.

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Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.


My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.


*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.


It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.


[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.


ME: Let’s go get some chicks


FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind

ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe


My twins hate to brush their teeth. So I just convinced them that it’s fun to brush someone else’s teeth. Problem solved.