This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

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Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso


Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.


Bruce Willis angrily returns a cheese grater to the store, “IT DID NOT MAKE THE CHEESE GREATER! IT JUST MADE LOTS OF LITTLE CHEESE” he fumes


Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.


“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”

– Karen


*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No


SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]


It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.


I swear I’m about to be productive. Any minute now…


Putting a bell around a cow’s neck to circumvent its stealthiness is just wrong. I say let them hunt.