This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

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Ugh Starbucks spelled my name right again and now I have nothing to Instagram.


I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.


surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*


Hey [STOP] Got your voicemail earlier [STOP] I’m replying with a telegram because you’re apparently a big fan of outdated technology [STOP]


It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.


The easiest way to get rid of a ghost is to ask him for some rent money or to help with the dishes


“I’m a model.” I see. And does anybody else know that?


Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)


In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.


In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.