@ConanOBrien

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

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@Donnie_Fairburn

Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso

@J_Dazzle76

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis angrily returns a cheese grater to the store, “IT DID NOT MAKE THE CHEESE GREATER! IT JUST MADE LOTS OF LITTLE CHEESE” he fumes

@Julian_Deane

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

@UncleDuke1969

“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”

– Karen

@Browtweaten

*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No

@batkaren

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

@caseytduncan

It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.

@LilSuzieV

I swear I’m about to be productive. Any minute now…

@Piecezilla

Putting a bell around a cow’s neck to circumvent its stealthiness is just wrong. I say let them hunt.