This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
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I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
This guy gets it.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years