This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”

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HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night

ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?

HIM: I have to go now


Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.


teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring


Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey


Today I learned that pouring water on someone who is sleeping under an electric blanket won’t electrocute them. It will only make them angry


Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”


Hey U.S.: if every now and then I heard a “God PLEASE bless America”, maybe you’d have better luck. #manners


BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.

BAILIFF: Your FULL name.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.