This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
You Might Also Like
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee