@mishacollins

This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”

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@Divergentmama

[At the magic store]

Me: I need to return this – you told me it would ward off evil spirits in my home and it didn’t work.

Employee: oh my goodness, are you ok?

Me: I guess, but I cast the spell and then the kids just walked in from school like normal.

@ArfMeasures

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

@SoAnyway1

I remember the first time I saw my girlfriend, her hair was blowing in the wind, but she was too proud to run after it.

@WilliamAder

I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, “Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas.”

@Eden_Eats

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

@ruinedpicnic

me: maybe those nazi salutes… we’re just them reaching for the stars…
McDonald’s manager: this is the fastest I’ve ever fired someone

@fred_dog

I think my neighbor’s dog is in heat. She’s been crying the last 2 nights. I may need to take one for the team if I want to get some sleep.

@ghostkrogh

me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith

@daemonic3

“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”

*thief runs by, steals gold*

“Hey! You!”

Au, got it. Next element.

@ddsmidt

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.