“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
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Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x