This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
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Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Good point.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.