This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
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Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
🚲+physics = winner
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Me recordaron éste meme
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.