@elfy_scott

This Tik Tok video of a kid eating a huge burger while an entire restaurant increasingly loses their shit is the only thing bringing me base human joy rn.

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@whatbabytalk

Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.

*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!

Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.

@alldrolledup

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

@QwertyJones3

Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?

@Robert_Beau

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.

@thepunningman

[last meal on death row]

“Pepper?”

*nods*

“Say when”

*winks to camera*

@kumailn

When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.

@Jake_Vig

Dear President of Mexico,

DO NOT fall for Trump’s old trick where he mumbles “guypayingtobuildthewallsayswhat?” and you say “What?”

@PartyBitchKayla

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden