Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
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Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
[last meal on death row]
*winks to camera*
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
Dear President of Mexico,
DO NOT fall for Trump’s old trick where he mumbles “guypayingtobuildthewallsayswhat?” and you say “What?”
I highly recommend anything.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden