Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign

Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

*Steve Carell washes hands*

*Steve Purell*

Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌

My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends

The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.

I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts

My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi

Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.

Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.

Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

WWE is French for “yes”

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago

Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.

If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.

my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.