This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
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Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex