This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
You Might Also Like
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.