This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
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COME ON KRUSE #fencing
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.